Friday, October 30, 2009

Where Were You in 1908?

Since it's an off night for the World Series, I thought I'd write a little bit about baseball tonight.

Not too long after the Yankees had clinched a spot in the 2009 World Series - while commemorative hats were being donned and on-field celebrations were taking place, in fact - Ken Rosenthal started off his interview with Yankees captain Derek Jeter by saying, "Derek, the Yankees haven't been to the World Series since 2003, and you haven't won since 2000.  How does it feel to be back?"

It was at this point that I started to feel the overwhelming sense of relief that Yankees fans all over the country must be feeling.  There have been 5 World Series played without the Yankees!  What the heck?!?  How did this happen?  The Yankees must not be spending enough money!  No... no that's not it.  Whatever the answer is, it must be wonderful to be back after such a long time.  And the last time they were there, they lost to the MARLINS (I know what that feels like - Bartman!).  I'm just glad that all those 5 year old Yankee fans will FINALLY get to see a World Series now!

If you can't sense the obvious sarcasm so far, you're probably also one of the 5 people who was surprised when Lance Bass came out of the closet (the other 4 being all the members of *NSYNC except J.C. Chasez - he knew...  didn't you, J.C.?).  Anyways, I'd like to recap the monumental (or not so monumental) things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series.  Please see the list below.

  • First, let's get a feel for what the social atmosphere was like back in 1908.  From, we get this quote, "At the turn of the century, three quarters of the states forbade married women to have property in their own name. In these states a woman's property became her husband's upon marriage. In a third of the states, a woman's earnings belonged to her husband. And in all states except Wyoming, Utah, Colorado and Idaho, women were not allowed to vote...  Women active in the suffrage movement were described as neurotic, as suffering from an urge to imitate men, as hysterical or as homosexuals. It was argued that with their big sleeves, women would be able to hide numerous ballots and vote more than once."  I personally find those last two sentences hysterical.
  • In 1912 The Titanic made its maiden voyage.  Since then, approximately 25 movies have been made about this utter failure, and thankfully only Rookie of the Year has been made about the Cubs utter failures.  Supposedly all we need is a medical phenom kid and one of the bad guys from Home Alone and we'll go all the way.  Somebody call Jim Hendry, quick!
  • Since 1908, almost every single type of music has been created except classical and this type right here.  Think about that - EVERY GENRE of music has been created.  I mean, Rachmaninoff was contemporary, hit music in 1908, for goodness sakes.  The number one song when the Yankees last won the World Series... "Come on Over, Baby".
  • Since 1908, almost every single electronic device has been invented.  Only 8% of American homes even had electricity in 1908.  MA!  MA, DON'T FORGET TO TiVO THE CUBS WORLD SERIES GAME!  MA?!  MEATLOAF!  NOW!
  • Since 1908, almost every single style has changed - especially this one here and this one here.  Watch out for those ladies and their big sleeves!  They'll vote more than once!  (for reference, here was the style in 2000 - why, jnco? why?!)
  • Approximately 500 people from 38 countries have been into outer space since 1908, including Harland Williams who went to Mars in one of "the funniest movies I've only seen once."  I remember thinking that this movie was hilarious when I was younger, and I haven't seen it since.  I have no idea if I would still think it is funny... maybe I should buy the Collector's Edition on Amazon!  Harland Williams autograph inside - NO WAY!
  • 253 episodes of Scooby Doo have been written, drawn, cast, recorded, and broadcast since the Cubs last won a World Series - all 253 of them WITH THE SAME PLOT (it was the Janitor?!).  Along those lines...
  • Americans have gotten a lot stupider - as evidenced by this video.  Go to the last 2 minutes of the video and watch the segment with the African-American family...  The rest of it is pretty good too.
  • Since 1908 there have been 3 World Wars...  wait.  Wait, what?!  Hang on, I'm just getting word that the Cold War never turned into anything.  Thank you, James Bond.
  • Onto more recent news - since 1908, OJ Simpson "hasn't killed anyone" but has been successful in tarnishing his own reputation and the prestige that was once associated with White Ford Broncos (RIP).
  • In the big picture - since 1908, the moon has moved approximately 4 meters further away from the earth.  I'm not even kidding - the earth is slowly transferring energy to the moon, and it gets further away...
  • And finally, the greatest thing to happen to the world since the Cubs last won a World Series...  Al Gore invented the internet.  If you don't know what the world wide web is, please read the first sentence here.  That's just to clear up any confusion.
I'm glad the Yankees are back in the World Series.  Not because of their history or the fact that it's "good for the game," but just because I couldn't bear the thought of true fans like Jay-Z or 6 year old Johnny  all distraught for another year.

If anyone else has a couple good observations, feel free to comment...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Party in the U.S.A.

For all of you expecting another post about Kanye West, I apologize.  Unfortunately, that event happened too long ago and is no longer relevant to this blog.  The internet generation has a very small capacity for storage of information (hence the reason that Twitter posts are limited to 140 characters...  OH NO!  A PARAGRAPH!  WHAT NOW?!!!  I quit...).  So I've decided to keep it as current as possible so as not to strain your brains.  Then maybe I'll return to the Kanye topic and just skip to number one on the countdown.

Right now, the #3 song in the iTunes Top Ten is the Miley Cyrus song "Party in the U.S.A."  (If you haven't heard this song, you're either way too Indie/Scene, not American, or you're deaf.  Whatever the cause, please follow this link for the official music video - Party in the USA)  I've had this song stuck in my head all day due to its catchy-ness and general audio availability and thought it would be a good idea to analyze it - hopefully that will get it out of my cranial region.  Please find my analysis below.

Party in the U.S.A.
by Miley Cyrus 

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan.
Welcome to the land of fame, excess. Whoa, am I gonna fit in?
My question is, what kind of cardigan are we talking about here, Miley?

 Are we talking this kind of cardigan?
Because that could make a big difference whether or not you fit in while in Los Angeles.

Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time.
Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign.
These lines are straight up lies.
There's no way this is Miley Cyrus' first time in LA.
And the Hollywood sign is 15 miles from LAX.
This makes me question the validity of the rest of the song...

This is all so crazy.  Everybody seems so famous.
My tummy's turnin', and I'm feelin' kinda homesick.
Too much pressure, and I'm nervous.
Miley is from Nashville.  It's not like she's never seen famous people before.
I can understand why she's nervous, though.
She's alone, in Los Angeles, and Kobe Bryant has a history...
(too soon?)
On a side note, "My tummy's turnin'" is a great phrase.

That's when the taxi-man (also known as a cab driver) turned on the radio,
And the Jay-Z song was on (3X)
  First of all, this must be one HIP "taxi-man!"
The last couple times I've been in cabs, the music sounded more like this: Taxi Music 

So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song.
The butterflies fly away.
Is this still in the cab?  Might be a little distracting to the "taxi-man."
These butterflies are not to be confused with Fireflies.
That's a different song.

I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Take that and rewind it back.
Miley's got the nod to make your booty go... (clap!)

 Got my hands up, they're (still) playin' my song.
I know I'm gonna be okay.

Yeah, it's a party in the U.S.A.
Yeah, it's a party in the U.S.A.

Miley Cyrus + Los Angeles + a taxi = nervous and homesick
Miley Cyrus + Los Angeles + a taxi + her song = Party in the U.S.A.
Very simple math.

 So hard with my girls not around me.
It's definitely not a Nashville party.
Wouldn't a "Nashville party" also be a Party in the U.S.A.?
I'm confused.

This song should probably be called "Party in L.A."
Wouldn't go with the beat though... try it.

'Cause all I see are stilettos.
I guess I never got the memo.
Memo to Miley: all the girls who party in L.A. look like skanks.
That cardigan won't fly...

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick.
Too much pressure and I'm nervous.
That's when the DJ dropped my favorite tune,
And the Britney song was on (3X)
What would happen if Jay-Z and Britney did a song together?
I don't think Miley could handle it.
It would be an Extravaganza in the U.S.A.

Feel like hoppin' on a flight, on a flight.
Back to my hometown tonight, town tonight.
 Well, Southwest has the Wanna Get Away deal for $169 from LAX to Nashville.

Book it, Miley!  Book it now!

 Somethin' stops me every time, every time.
The DJ plays my song, and I feel alright.
Good think that DJ is always ON TOP OF THINGS.
Him and the taxi-man have done a great job of keeping Miley in L.A.
Otherwise she'd be back in Nashville, where (apparently) you can't have a "Party in the U.S.A."

Things I got from this song: (1) Miley Cyrus is very nervous when not in her hometown.  Maybe Hannah Montana is a little more open to the rest of the world. (2) Cab drivers are called taxi-men in Nashville, and like popular music in LA. (3) Girls in L.A. wear stilettos and don't send out memos.

Everyone feel free to have your own Party in the U.S.A.!  One of the great things about freedom - PARTIES!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hit Him Right in the Kiss, Kiss(er)

Please let me know what you think is going through
Sir Paul McCartney's head right now?
(I believe it's "I weep for your generation")

[Kanye's Hit List]

Sorry about the absence from the blogging scene.  I was in Champaign over the weekend watching Illinois "our-punter-is-our-MVP" Football and enjoying homecoming festivities.  On to the current post, which is #8 on the "Kanye Hit List" - the people I would most like to see Kanye West interrupt during a public speech.

8) Chris Brown - We all know what happened to Rihanna when she spoke out of turn...  But seriously, there are plenty of African-American males that I would like to have back me up in a fight.  Kanye West and Chris Brown are not two of them.  Imagine if these two got into a fight after Kanye interrupted CB - Kanye West would probably hire someone to fight for him so that he didn't scuff his new kicks or rip his pink polo.  Chris Brown probably doesn't have the guts to fight whoever Kanye would hire since he only hits girls.  I'd love to see that...

Just so that this entire post isn't about Kanye West, I thought I'd give a little recap of the Blackhawks game last night.  Down 5-0 after 12 minutes (due partially to terrible defense, partially to a terribly overpaid goalie) the Blackhawks tied the largest comeback in NHL history and won 6-5 in overtime.  If you're not following Chicago hockey yet, maybe you should look into it.  I've converted.  In fact, since I'm hopefully going to the game this weekend, if anyone wanted to donate some Blackhawks fan gear to your favorite blogger, let me know...  Anyone?  Didn't think so.  Next thing on my checklist - start following Chicago soccer.  Nahhhhh...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Wake Up, Mr. West!

Not even that pink Power Rangers laser gun could
save you from this list, Kanye West!

[Kanye's Hit List]
Before I get started here, I just wanted to say that I feel a little bit like David Letterman with these "Top Ten Lists."  So... I'm going to do a TOP NINE LIST!  Yeah!  No ones ever done one of those before!  And not only that - I'm going to do one entry per night for the next 9 nights! As previously mentioned, this is a list of the top 9 people that I would like to see Kanye West interrupt while giving some type of public speech.

Kicking it off, we have...

9) Martin Luther King, Jr. - just because this would go against anything and everything that would make any sense.
"I have a dream." says Martin Luther King.  "A dream that one day this nation..." (microphone stolen)
"Yo, Martin.  Look, I'm really happy for you.  I'm going to let you finish.  But that's just a dream!  They're always going to give the white, country-singer girl the award over the black girl."

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to the the two newest official "followers" of World Wide Wilson - Tim Dwyer and Andy "Rice" Krispin.  I don't want to say much more, though, because Kanye West might steal my spotlight.  Tomorrow night - #8 and a new ridiculous picture of Kanye West.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

(Insert Name Here) > (Obama + Oprah + Daley)

Coach Ditka vs. The Hurricane, who would win?
Hold on.  The name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka!

These 10 people would have had a more positive effect on the Chicago Olympic bid (R.I.P.) than the group that we sent over there.  Who is Oprah?  Sounds more like another name for a killer whale to me...

10) Anyone and everyone from Fall Out Boy: I mean, think about it.  All these athletes are young.  They can probably sing Fall Out Boy songs by memory.  No one can quote an Oprah show by memory.  Fall Out Boy even sings a song about Chicago.  It's called "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago," but they could have changed the name of it to "Chicago Is So Nine Years from Now." (FOB) > (O+O+D)

9) Ron Santo: But this means that we would have to sent Pat Hughes too, because Ron just echoes everything Pat says.  "You're exactly right, Pat."  If he can't get into the Hall of Fame after a great career and losing two legs to diabetes, the least we could do is use the charm that keeps him on WGN Radio to get the Olympics. (RS) > (O+O+D)

8) Prince Peter of Yugoslavia: Yeah, you guessed it.  The Prince of Yugoslavia was born in Chicago.  It would have been great if he was there, adding some international flavor to the scene.  The IOC would have LOVED it.  Yugoslavia is never going to get the games, Peter, so you might as well help us out. (PPY) > (O+O+D)

7) Michael Jordan: The whole point of the Olympics, supposedly, was to help make Chicago a more globally recognized city.  Ummm... I think Michael Jordan already did that back in the 90s.  Who is more of an icon than Michael Jordan?  He's this far down on the list, though, because I could possibly see this coming out of his mouth - "Since I'm the greatest man alive, and I've beaten every other nation in basketball single-handedly, I thought it would be good to invite you all to Chicago so I can remind you, while you're there, that I'm better than you.  I'm STILL better than all of you." (MJ) > (O+O+D)

6) Kanye West: We could have waited till they announced that Rio won, and then sent Kanye up...  "Hold up, man.  I'll let you finish, but I just have to say that CHICAGO IS THE BEST CITY IN THE WORRRLLDDD!  Ya'll don't understand, man.  We got a bunch of sports, and I used to live there, and ummm...  Man, I'm really drunk." (KW) > (O+O+D), kind of.

5) Harrison Ford:  This isn't even a competition.  Harrison Ford did more as President in the movie Air Force One than Obama has during his actual Presidency.  And Harrison Ford defeated the Nazis, the Empire, and Irish terrorists.  (HF) > (O+O+D)

4) Bill Murray: Classic Chicago.  I would have said Jon Belushi or Chris Farley, but they both OD'ed on drugs.  Lesson here - if you're really funny, and you're from Chicago, stay the "H" away from drugs.  Bill Murray did it, and he's still really funny, so he should have gone to Copenhagen. (BM) > (O+O+D)

3) Michael Phelps: Okay, okay, I know he's not from Chicago.  But that's how bad I wouldn't have wanted Oprah there.  NO ONE OVERSEAS EVEN WATCHES OPRAH!  That's like sending a soccer player to America and hoping, just hoping, someone here has seen him on SportsCenter. (MP) > (O+O+D)

2) Steve Bartman: PITY US!  PLEASE! (SB) > (O+O+D)

1) Mike Ditka (with classic BEARS sweater vest, as seen above) :
Me, "Let's say the odds are 2782:1 for the Olympics in Chicago.  Who are you betting on?"
Bill Swerski, "Is Ditka going ta be dere?"
Me, "Well, based on this list it looks like it."
Bill Swerski, "I'll put $10,000 on Chicago.  Da Bears!"
(MD) > (O+O+D)

Next list tomorrow night - the top 10 people that I would love to see Kanye West interrupt during a public speech.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Let Friendship Shine?

wahh wahhhhh...

I've had a couple lists on my mind.  And with a little bit of time on my hands, I thought that I should write them down before I forgot them.

The first one is going to be a list of 10 international and national cities that Chicago could have beaten for the Olympics.  I thought that we would have at least beat Tokyo, but I guess that the Obama family doesn't have the sway over the international crowd that they do over the mindless masses of America.  Maybe that's because they don't just get sucked in by a "catchy" phrase, which this time was "Let Friendship Shine" (kind of a lame-town phrase if you ask me, although the logo was pretty tight).  Maybe we should have just stuck with "Yes We Can"?

10) New York - the one city in America that might be a little more corrupt than Chicago.  Could you imagine an Olympic village in the streets of Brooklyn?  Chicago is better than New York in all aspects anyways.

9) Manila, Philippines - the second highest population density in the world.  There's approximately 112,000 people per square mile... PER SQUARE MILE.  They couldn't fit anyone else in there.

8) London, England - they have the games in 2012.  No way they would have beat us for 2016.  Unless David Beckham was there with Ringo Starr...

7) Saigon, Vietnam - something tells me that the IOC would prefer the Olympics in Chicago.

6) Any City in India - did you see Slumdog Millionaire?!

5) Atlanta, GA - my question is, "How did Atlanta win the 1996 Olympics?!"  They beat out Athens on the 100 year anniversary!  Impossible.  I'm thinking that the Dirty Dirty might have beat out Chicago, but I'm putting it on this list anyways.

4) Mogadishu, Somalia - "estimates of the city's current population vary greatly, with figures ranging from 1.5 million to 3 million, as many of its former inhabitants have fled."  Well this isn't really a joking matter, but if anywhere in Somalia would have beaten Chicago, I might have yelled out, "You Lie!"

3) Baghdad, Iraq - we're pulling some of the best Americans out of Iraq; we couldn't send any back in!

2) Pyongyang, North Korea - I could just see it now... Kim Jong-il forcing the Olympic torch to be fashioned like a large nuclear missile.  NO WAIT!  DON'T LIGHT THAT!  IT IS A NUCLEAR MISSILE!

1) Decatur, IL - the "armpit of America."  I would like to see the Decatur Olympic plan, though.

Tomorrow night... the 10 Chicago figures that might have helped our chances more than Oprah.