Friday, October 30, 2009

Where Were You in 1908?

Since it's an off night for the World Series, I thought I'd write a little bit about baseball tonight.

Not too long after the Yankees had clinched a spot in the 2009 World Series - while commemorative hats were being donned and on-field celebrations were taking place, in fact - Ken Rosenthal started off his interview with Yankees captain Derek Jeter by saying, "Derek, the Yankees haven't been to the World Series since 2003, and you haven't won since 2000.  How does it feel to be back?"

It was at this point that I started to feel the overwhelming sense of relief that Yankees fans all over the country must be feeling.  There have been 5 World Series played without the Yankees!  What the heck?!?  How did this happen?  The Yankees must not be spending enough money!  No... no that's not it.  Whatever the answer is, it must be wonderful to be back after such a long time.  And the last time they were there, they lost to the MARLINS (I know what that feels like - Bartman!).  I'm just glad that all those 5 year old Yankee fans will FINALLY get to see a World Series now!

If you can't sense the obvious sarcasm so far, you're probably also one of the 5 people who was surprised when Lance Bass came out of the closet (the other 4 being all the members of *NSYNC except J.C. Chasez - he knew...  didn't you, J.C.?).  Anyways, I'd like to recap the monumental (or not so monumental) things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series.  Please see the list below.

  • First, let's get a feel for what the social atmosphere was like back in 1908.  From, we get this quote, "At the turn of the century, three quarters of the states forbade married women to have property in their own name. In these states a woman's property became her husband's upon marriage. In a third of the states, a woman's earnings belonged to her husband. And in all states except Wyoming, Utah, Colorado and Idaho, women were not allowed to vote...  Women active in the suffrage movement were described as neurotic, as suffering from an urge to imitate men, as hysterical or as homosexuals. It was argued that with their big sleeves, women would be able to hide numerous ballots and vote more than once."  I personally find those last two sentences hysterical.
  • In 1912 The Titanic made its maiden voyage.  Since then, approximately 25 movies have been made about this utter failure, and thankfully only Rookie of the Year has been made about the Cubs utter failures.  Supposedly all we need is a medical phenom kid and one of the bad guys from Home Alone and we'll go all the way.  Somebody call Jim Hendry, quick!
  • Since 1908, almost every single type of music has been created except classical and this type right here.  Think about that - EVERY GENRE of music has been created.  I mean, Rachmaninoff was contemporary, hit music in 1908, for goodness sakes.  The number one song when the Yankees last won the World Series... "Come on Over, Baby".
  • Since 1908, almost every single electronic device has been invented.  Only 8% of American homes even had electricity in 1908.  MA!  MA, DON'T FORGET TO TiVO THE CUBS WORLD SERIES GAME!  MA?!  MEATLOAF!  NOW!
  • Since 1908, almost every single style has changed - especially this one here and this one here.  Watch out for those ladies and their big sleeves!  They'll vote more than once!  (for reference, here was the style in 2000 - why, jnco? why?!)
  • Approximately 500 people from 38 countries have been into outer space since 1908, including Harland Williams who went to Mars in one of "the funniest movies I've only seen once."  I remember thinking that this movie was hilarious when I was younger, and I haven't seen it since.  I have no idea if I would still think it is funny... maybe I should buy the Collector's Edition on Amazon!  Harland Williams autograph inside - NO WAY!
  • 253 episodes of Scooby Doo have been written, drawn, cast, recorded, and broadcast since the Cubs last won a World Series - all 253 of them WITH THE SAME PLOT (it was the Janitor?!).  Along those lines...
  • Americans have gotten a lot stupider - as evidenced by this video.  Go to the last 2 minutes of the video and watch the segment with the African-American family...  The rest of it is pretty good too.
  • Since 1908 there have been 3 World Wars...  wait.  Wait, what?!  Hang on, I'm just getting word that the Cold War never turned into anything.  Thank you, James Bond.
  • Onto more recent news - since 1908, OJ Simpson "hasn't killed anyone" but has been successful in tarnishing his own reputation and the prestige that was once associated with White Ford Broncos (RIP).
  • In the big picture - since 1908, the moon has moved approximately 4 meters further away from the earth.  I'm not even kidding - the earth is slowly transferring energy to the moon, and it gets further away...
  • And finally, the greatest thing to happen to the world since the Cubs last won a World Series...  Al Gore invented the internet.  If you don't know what the world wide web is, please read the first sentence here.  That's just to clear up any confusion.
I'm glad the Yankees are back in the World Series.  Not because of their history or the fact that it's "good for the game," but just because I couldn't bear the thought of true fans like Jay-Z or 6 year old Johnny  all distraught for another year.

If anyone else has a couple good observations, feel free to comment...