Saturday, December 19, 2009

High School Students Distraught Upon Twilight Discovery

ASSOCIATED PRESS - A group of high school students thought it was too good to be true.  It turns out that it was.  Several teenagers from Central Illinois, who are big fans of the Twilight phenomenon, just recently discovered that the increasingly popular series is fictional.  Apparently caught up in the hype, this fact was slightly overlooked by these unfortunate youngsters.  Their eventual response?  Completely baffled and quite speechless.

"I just really don't know what to say.  It was like surreal, you know?  I always thought that one day I would meet that handsome vampire who would resist his primal urge to eat me, and we would like run away together," said one of the students, obviously female.  "Now, I don't know what to hope for.  I don't know what to believe in.  My world has come like crashing down around me.  This sucks."  Once she finished this quote, she immediately began to sob while staring at her signed copy of New Moon.  Her friends comforted her and wiped away her tears with their various "Team Edward" and/or "Team Jacob" t-shirts.

Nothing would sway their opinion during their religious fandom - Edward and Jacob were real (and Jacob was way hotter).  Their minds had been made up that this hidden fantasy world really existed.  Now, this may sound ridiculous to the rest of us, but they had their reasons.  "We thought that the books had just been like mislabeled and placed in the fiction section by dumb adults.  And since we only hang out with each other and usually have our headphones in our ears, no one ever like told us that the books weren't based on true stories.  There's this one kid in my history class who is really pale.  I always thought he was a vampire... so I sat next to him for like a month straight.  I guess he's just Irish."

Another of the students said that she never saw this coming.  "I just wish I would have known to begin with. I mean, I wouldn't have done all that useless reading if I would have known it was fake.  I could have been doing much more like fun things!  I'm never going to read a book again."  After a slight pause, she continued, "What am I going to write as my Facebook status now?!"  This student also began to sob.

It seems as though the students were finally convinced by information found on the popular user-edited website Wikipedia.  Said one of the students, "I guess there has to be a standard... I mean you have to believe Wikipedia, right?  It's just too much to handle right now.  Especially because this like probably means Harry Potter isn't real either."  Asked what they will do with their time now, the students overwhelmingly responded that they will continue to find bands that no one else has heard of and waste excessive amounts of time filling out Socialinterview polls about their friends on Facebook.

Bill Wilson
Executive Columnist
World Wide Wilson

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Couple Things on Awkward, Vol. 2

In this blog, intolerance will NOT be tolerated.  Entiendes?  (that means "do you understand?" in Spanish)

Just as last time, I believe that the blog-reading world needs a couple (more) conversation boosters to help out the less-fortunate.  It's the Christmas season, and I'm feeling in the giving mood.  Some of these "boosters" I've tested in real-life settings - consider them tried and true.  The others are experimental and should be attempted with caution (I would like some feedback on them, though).  These ratings are included below.

1.  Let's say that you are on the verge of an awkward situation between you and a member of the opposite sex (preferably someone you don't know at all).  I can't specify the situation, but there's a good chance you will know it when it is happening.  Keep this phrase in mind - "Are we dating?"  This hasn't happened to me, and I haven't used it on anyone else.  It did happen to my girlfriend, which initially made me upset, but upon further review it was pretty hilarious.  Now, this might not be funny to the other person, but I guarantee you will think it's great if used correctly.  This phrase is rated EXPERIMENTAL.
Girl and guy are walking next to one another in step.
Girl glances at guy and notices that they have similar styles.
Trying not to be awkward, she shoots him a smile.
He's not interested, but waits a second and says, "Are we dating?"
Girl looks back confused and embarrassed, "Ummm, no!"
Guy responds, "See you tomorrow!!"
note: (always try to double up the suggested phrases as the witty young man above has done)

2. In this globalized, culture-aware generation, who wants to sound "narrow-minded"?  That is possibly the biggest insult that one can receive (about the same as "intolerant").  To prevent against this, World Wide Wilson suggests the introduction of foreign language phrases, followed by immediate translations, into daily conversation.  This has its best effect if these phrases are ones of which everyone is aware of their definition (usually Spanish).  Make sure to translate immediately and also alert everyone to the fact that you just spoke in a foreign language.  This suggestion is rated TRIED AND TRUE.
[Example 1]
Tara: So, Andrew, what did you think of the food at that restaurant?
Andrew: The food?  It was muy bien!  That means "very good" (pause) in Spanish!
Tara: Oh Andrew, you're so cultured!
[Example 2]
Tom: Jim, did you turn in our project on time?
Jim: Yeah, I was there 15 minutes early.
Tom: Jim, Muchas gracias!  Translated as "Thanks a lot!" It's a Spanish phrase.
Jim: I wish I knew foreign languages!

3. I hate it when people ask me questions to which they already know the answer.  (I also hate it when people end sentences with prepositions, hence the "to which" in the previous sentence instead of "know the answer to," but that's besides the point).  So if this situation is ever encountered, answer with an obviously wrong answer whether or not you know the right answer.  When corrected, respond with "Um, that's what I just said."  Stick by the fact that you answered correctly, no matter what.  This suggestion rated TRIED AND TRUE.
Person A: "Hey, do you even know who won the Super Bowl last year?"
Person B: "HA, yeah it was the Giants!"
Person A: "No.  You're dumb.  It was the Steelers!"
Person B: "Um, that's what I just said.  The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Person A: "You said the Giants."
Person B: "SHUT UP!  You seriously need to shut up."

4. People are big fans these days of the Awkward Turtle as a way to dispel (or bring attention to) awkward situations.  I've always wanted to try the "Awkward Middle Fingers," partially because I want to see what would happen and partially because I hate the Awkward Turtle.  In any situation that you would have previously used the Awkward Turtle, try the Awkward Middle Fingers.  I'm pretty sure that this would effectively dispel an awkward situation due to the other person/people being insulted and then forgetting about the awkwardness - but wasn't that the point anyways?  Be careful, though, as this suggestion is rated EXPERIMENTAL.  Please let me know how it goes if you try this, though!
Person A: So that girl I met at the party last night was SUPER annoying!
Person B: That girl was my sister...
Person A: Ummm. (perform awkward middle fingers) Awkward Middle Fingers!!
Person B: What?!  Did you just flick me off?  What were we talking about again?
Person A: Eh, I don't remember.
(This is an ideal situation that doesn't lead to someone getting punched)

Always remember - there is a lull in any conversation every 8 minutes!  It's up to you to keep it going!