Saturday, December 19, 2009

High School Students Distraught Upon Twilight Discovery

ASSOCIATED PRESS - A group of high school students thought it was too good to be true.  It turns out that it was.  Several teenagers from Central Illinois, who are big fans of the Twilight phenomenon, just recently discovered that the increasingly popular series is fictional.  Apparently caught up in the hype, this fact was slightly overlooked by these unfortunate youngsters.  Their eventual response?  Completely baffled and quite speechless.

"I just really don't know what to say.  It was like surreal, you know?  I always thought that one day I would meet that handsome vampire who would resist his primal urge to eat me, and we would like run away together," said one of the students, obviously female.  "Now, I don't know what to hope for.  I don't know what to believe in.  My world has come like crashing down around me.  This sucks."  Once she finished this quote, she immediately began to sob while staring at her signed copy of New Moon.  Her friends comforted her and wiped away her tears with their various "Team Edward" and/or "Team Jacob" t-shirts.

Nothing would sway their opinion during their religious fandom - Edward and Jacob were real (and Jacob was way hotter).  Their minds had been made up that this hidden fantasy world really existed.  Now, this may sound ridiculous to the rest of us, but they had their reasons.  "We thought that the books had just been like mislabeled and placed in the fiction section by dumb adults.  And since we only hang out with each other and usually have our headphones in our ears, no one ever like told us that the books weren't based on true stories.  There's this one kid in my history class who is really pale.  I always thought he was a vampire... so I sat next to him for like a month straight.  I guess he's just Irish."

Another of the students said that she never saw this coming.  "I just wish I would have known to begin with. I mean, I wouldn't have done all that useless reading if I would have known it was fake.  I could have been doing much more like fun things!  I'm never going to read a book again."  After a slight pause, she continued, "What am I going to write as my Facebook status now?!"  This student also began to sob.

It seems as though the students were finally convinced by information found on the popular user-edited website Wikipedia.  Said one of the students, "I guess there has to be a standard... I mean you have to believe Wikipedia, right?  It's just too much to handle right now.  Especially because this like probably means Harry Potter isn't real either."  Asked what they will do with their time now, the students overwhelmingly responded that they will continue to find bands that no one else has heard of and waste excessive amounts of time filling out Socialinterview polls about their friends on Facebook.

Bill Wilson
Executive Columnist
World Wide Wilson