Saturday, December 19, 2009

High School Students Distraught Upon Twilight Discovery

ASSOCIATED PRESS - A group of high school students thought it was too good to be true.  It turns out that it was.  Several teenagers from Central Illinois, who are big fans of the Twilight phenomenon, just recently discovered that the increasingly popular series is fictional.  Apparently caught up in the hype, this fact was slightly overlooked by these unfortunate youngsters.  Their eventual response?  Completely baffled and quite speechless.

"I just really don't know what to say.  It was like surreal, you know?  I always thought that one day I would meet that handsome vampire who would resist his primal urge to eat me, and we would like run away together," said one of the students, obviously female.  "Now, I don't know what to hope for.  I don't know what to believe in.  My world has come like crashing down around me.  This sucks."  Once she finished this quote, she immediately began to sob while staring at her signed copy of New Moon.  Her friends comforted her and wiped away her tears with their various "Team Edward" and/or "Team Jacob" t-shirts.

Nothing would sway their opinion during their religious fandom - Edward and Jacob were real (and Jacob was way hotter).  Their minds had been made up that this hidden fantasy world really existed.  Now, this may sound ridiculous to the rest of us, but they had their reasons.  "We thought that the books had just been like mislabeled and placed in the fiction section by dumb adults.  And since we only hang out with each other and usually have our headphones in our ears, no one ever like told us that the books weren't based on true stories.  There's this one kid in my history class who is really pale.  I always thought he was a vampire... so I sat next to him for like a month straight.  I guess he's just Irish."

Another of the students said that she never saw this coming.  "I just wish I would have known to begin with. I mean, I wouldn't have done all that useless reading if I would have known it was fake.  I could have been doing much more like fun things!  I'm never going to read a book again."  After a slight pause, she continued, "What am I going to write as my Facebook status now?!"  This student also began to sob.

It seems as though the students were finally convinced by information found on the popular user-edited website Wikipedia.  Said one of the students, "I guess there has to be a standard... I mean you have to believe Wikipedia, right?  It's just too much to handle right now.  Especially because this like probably means Harry Potter isn't real either."  Asked what they will do with their time now, the students overwhelmingly responded that they will continue to find bands that no one else has heard of and waste excessive amounts of time filling out Socialinterview polls about their friends on Facebook.

Bill Wilson
Executive Columnist
World Wide Wilson

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Couple Things on Awkward, Vol. 2

In this blog, intolerance will NOT be tolerated.  Entiendes?  (that means "do you understand?" in Spanish)

Just as last time, I believe that the blog-reading world needs a couple (more) conversation boosters to help out the less-fortunate.  It's the Christmas season, and I'm feeling in the giving mood.  Some of these "boosters" I've tested in real-life settings - consider them tried and true.  The others are experimental and should be attempted with caution (I would like some feedback on them, though).  These ratings are included below.

1.  Let's say that you are on the verge of an awkward situation between you and a member of the opposite sex (preferably someone you don't know at all).  I can't specify the situation, but there's a good chance you will know it when it is happening.  Keep this phrase in mind - "Are we dating?"  This hasn't happened to me, and I haven't used it on anyone else.  It did happen to my girlfriend, which initially made me upset, but upon further review it was pretty hilarious.  Now, this might not be funny to the other person, but I guarantee you will think it's great if used correctly.  This phrase is rated EXPERIMENTAL.
Girl and guy are walking next to one another in step.
Girl glances at guy and notices that they have similar styles.
Trying not to be awkward, she shoots him a smile.
He's not interested, but waits a second and says, "Are we dating?"
Girl looks back confused and embarrassed, "Ummm, no!"
Guy responds, "See you tomorrow!!"
note: (always try to double up the suggested phrases as the witty young man above has done)

2. In this globalized, culture-aware generation, who wants to sound "narrow-minded"?  That is possibly the biggest insult that one can receive (about the same as "intolerant").  To prevent against this, World Wide Wilson suggests the introduction of foreign language phrases, followed by immediate translations, into daily conversation.  This has its best effect if these phrases are ones of which everyone is aware of their definition (usually Spanish).  Make sure to translate immediately and also alert everyone to the fact that you just spoke in a foreign language.  This suggestion is rated TRIED AND TRUE.
[Example 1]
Tara: So, Andrew, what did you think of the food at that restaurant?
Andrew: The food?  It was muy bien!  That means "very good" (pause) in Spanish!
Tara: Oh Andrew, you're so cultured!
[Example 2]
Tom: Jim, did you turn in our project on time?
Jim: Yeah, I was there 15 minutes early.
Tom: Jim, Muchas gracias!  Translated as "Thanks a lot!" It's a Spanish phrase.
Jim: I wish I knew foreign languages!

3. I hate it when people ask me questions to which they already know the answer.  (I also hate it when people end sentences with prepositions, hence the "to which" in the previous sentence instead of "know the answer to," but that's besides the point).  So if this situation is ever encountered, answer with an obviously wrong answer whether or not you know the right answer.  When corrected, respond with "Um, that's what I just said."  Stick by the fact that you answered correctly, no matter what.  This suggestion rated TRIED AND TRUE.
Person A: "Hey, do you even know who won the Super Bowl last year?"
Person B: "HA, yeah it was the Giants!"
Person A: "No.  You're dumb.  It was the Steelers!"
Person B: "Um, that's what I just said.  The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Person A: "You said the Giants."
Person B: "SHUT UP!  You seriously need to shut up."

4. People are big fans these days of the Awkward Turtle as a way to dispel (or bring attention to) awkward situations.  I've always wanted to try the "Awkward Middle Fingers," partially because I want to see what would happen and partially because I hate the Awkward Turtle.  In any situation that you would have previously used the Awkward Turtle, try the Awkward Middle Fingers.  I'm pretty sure that this would effectively dispel an awkward situation due to the other person/people being insulted and then forgetting about the awkwardness - but wasn't that the point anyways?  Be careful, though, as this suggestion is rated EXPERIMENTAL.  Please let me know how it goes if you try this, though!
Person A: So that girl I met at the party last night was SUPER annoying!
Person B: That girl was my sister...
Person A: Ummm. (perform awkward middle fingers) Awkward Middle Fingers!!
Person B: What?!  Did you just flick me off?  What were we talking about again?
Person A: Eh, I don't remember.
(This is an ideal situation that doesn't lead to someone getting punched)

Always remember - there is a lull in any conversation every 8 minutes!  It's up to you to keep it going!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Rainy Day Blog

What's better than a rainy day, the Illinois basketball game on TV, and another blog entry?  Maybe the addition of some popular music in my headphones... just kidding.  Anyways, I had some Mitch Hedburg-esque thoughts about the rain today while I was driving home, so I thought I'd shoot another entry out tonight.

When you stand out in the rain for a while, you think to yourself, "Man, is it wet out here!!"  You also think, "Why am I standing out in the rain?"

Sometimes I like to set my windshield wipers to a slower frequency than they should be.  That way, the water builds up on the windshield, I can't really see where I'm going, it gets really tense, and then everything gets resolved with a flick of rubber.  It's like a suspenseful movie every 5 seconds!  Keeps me awake in the car.

Water always makes transportation more difficult.  No matter whether it's rain, snow, ice on the roads, really foggy conditions, or if your car crashes into a lake and sinks.  That last one is the worst!

I always wanted to meet the guy who invented gutters but didn't think of also inventing gutter guards.  How could that slip your mind, man?  Someone else is making a lot of money that SHOULD have been yours!!  Kind of like the inventor of the blanket who forgot sleeves...

Lightning and thunder always go together, except in lightning storms.  Where does the thunder go?  That's not really a joke, I've just always wondered that...

When I wake up in the morning, I'd rather have it overcast and maybe even raining.  Then I can choose my mood for the day.  When it's sunny, I feel like the world is telling me, "YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY HAPPY TODAY!"  Sometimes, I don't want to be, okay, world?  Overcast is the indifferent weather pattern, and I like it better.

I don't really have anything else on my mind right now.  Check back early next week for another post (hopefully).

Monday, November 23, 2009

Top Songs?

I wonder when the quality of songs on the Billboard Top 100 will hit rock bottom?
If it's not right now, then I don't want to hear it when it is...

Ridiculous Lyrics in Popular Songs

I know, I know... I've already done a blog post about music.  I've already torn that awesome Miley Cyrus song to shreds.  I've already pointed out that a party in Nashville would still be a "Party in the USA."  But listening to the radio (which I rarely do for this very purpose) the past couple days has made me realize that the quality of music to which we are listening currently is awful.  Now, if you're one of those "I only listen to Bob Dylan and Iron and Wine" types and scorn anything remotely popular, I would usually call you a bigot and knock the overpriced Starbucks drink out of your indie hand.  But at this point I applaud your bike-riding, liberal view of music - because most everything good is NOT on the radio.  On to the analysis...

Song: Replay
Artist: Iyaz
Lyric: "I can be your melody.  Oh girl, I could write you a symphony."
Comment: There is no. possible. way. that this guy could write a symphony.  That lyric right there lets me know that he knows nothing about music whatsoever.  He probably doesn't even know what a real instrument sounds like unless it's loaded into his synthesizer.  I'd love to see a "symphony-off" between this guy and Mozart.  I'm pretty sure Mozart could write better rap songs too.

Song: Fireflies
Artist: Owl City
Lyric: "Cuz they'd fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere"
Comment: Although I do like this song and think that Owl City is pretty talented, there are some really strange lyrics in this song.  This is just the one that I picked to discuss... I don't even know where to start.  I guess not only are most kids emo these days, even the lightning bugs are.  Stop Crying!!  The other lyrics that bother me are - "cuz i know they all do drugs, those ten thousand lightning bugs, but i don't know where they get their narcotics from." and "leave my door open for some crack. when you feel like such an insomniac. i never tire of taking speed. i'm too awake to fall asleep."  I don't think that sends the right message to kids.

Song: You Belong with Me
Artist: Taylor Swift
Lyric: "You belong with me!"
Comment:  This isn't that ridiculous of a lyric, but she says it 10 times during this song.  Alright we get it, Taylor, he supposedly belongs with you.  Maybe if you weren't so thug, he'd reconsider.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, see here - Thug Story.

Song: Sweet Dreams
Artist: Beyonce
Lyric: "Not even death can make us part"
Comment: Yes, it can.

Artist: Dorrough (who?)
Lyric: "Grand Marquis paint job grape jelly, R triple BC big black box Chevy."
Comment: I'm not sure if Dorrough (who?) thinks he's breaking new ground by rapping about his car, but i'm pretty sure that he is breaking new ground by rapping about a Grand Marquis.  Listen D-O-double-R, I drive a Grand Marquis - it's not pimp... even with a grape jelly paint job.  And can someone help me out with the second half of the lyric, because I have no idea what that means.  This song is terrible... catchy, but terrible.  Prediction: one hit "wonder."

Song: any song out there
Artist: Lady Gaga
Comment: Lady Gaga is a complete lunatic (that picture is from her VMA performance).  Try to watch any 15 straight seconds of this video - Bad Romance - without getting utterly creeped out.  This is like bad 80s music combined with a strange European nightmare.  People like Lady Gaga should really be quarantined... like lepers, and then anyone who wants to interact with her could go there at their own risk.  Oh, and her lyrics?  Just as strange.

Song: Tik Tok
Artist: Ke$ha
Lyric: "Now the dudes are linin' up cuz they hear we got swagger.  But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."
Comment: Mick Jagger.  Really?  Mick Jagger?  I understand you had to rhyme with swagger, but c'mon!  He wasn't even that good looking in 1968.  How about "...they hear we're legit.  but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Brad Pitt."  I guess that wouldn't have gotten Ke$ha in my blog, though, would it?  Congrats, Ke$ha!  You did it!

I think that's all for now.  I could go on and on about these terrible songs.  Where are the days of good rock and roll?  Or even the days of good 90s music.  When we look back on the 2000s, what are we going to remember?  Lady Gaga?  Please, no.  I weep for this generation...

P.S. - congrats to myself on a successful two months on this blog.  there have been some ups and downs, but i've stuck by myself the whole way.  thanks to you readers too!!  haha, don't forget to tell your friends about World Wide Wilson

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Rapid Reaction :: 49ers 10, Bears 6

I don't have time for an entire blog post, but I just wanted to share a couple thoughts about the Bears game tonight.
  • First of all, I think that Ron Turner is kind of backed into a corner.  He obviously knows that they can't run the ball, and that's why Cutler is throwing 52 passes in a game.
  • With a terrible offensive line, it sucks to have to pass that much...  I think Cutler is wishing he were back in Denver at this point in the season.
  • The Bears would be nowhere without him, though.  People are saying that he's overrated.  C'mon, man.  He's a really good quarterback trying to make plays on an awful team.  I guarantee that if we still had Orton, first of all, he would probably have gotten hurt by now with that offensive line; and second of all, we would be 2-7.  We would have beaten the Lions (maybe) and the Browns.
  • Three of the five interceptions weren't Cutler's fault.  The first one was his fault - Cutler's worst pass of the game, until the last one.  For the second one, Hester fell over.  The third one, Hester ran into the stupid referee.  The fourth one was blatant pass interference.  And the fifth one was Cutler having way, way too much faith in Greg "I'm only good at running straight routes and finding open space in a zone defense" Olsen.
  • You can talk about the 3 INTs not being his fault, but when the game is on the line, you can't suck.  You just can't do it.  That's why we signed him to a big contract.
  • Do you think the Broncos would trade back?  Kyle Orton and two first round draft picks would sound great right now.
  • The defense played well against a very average 49er offense.  The only touchdown came from the field position because of the first interception that wasn't Cutler's fault (see above).  I thought there was some effort and intensity... but then again, that could have just been because the 49ers offense is very average.
  • I still think that Cutler looks like an ugly version of Elvis Presley.  Elvis never threw 5 INTs in a game.
  • Kyle Orton once threw 5 INTs in a Bears uniform.
  • When does Spring Training start?
  • I thought high school football was on Friday nights...
I'll hopefully have a regular post soon.  Like I mentioned, I have a lot of good ideas to get out there, I just haven't had the desire recently.  Check out my old posts for now if you haven't already...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Where Were You in 1908?

Since it's an off night for the World Series, I thought I'd write a little bit about baseball tonight.

Not too long after the Yankees had clinched a spot in the 2009 World Series - while commemorative hats were being donned and on-field celebrations were taking place, in fact - Ken Rosenthal started off his interview with Yankees captain Derek Jeter by saying, "Derek, the Yankees haven't been to the World Series since 2003, and you haven't won since 2000.  How does it feel to be back?"

It was at this point that I started to feel the overwhelming sense of relief that Yankees fans all over the country must be feeling.  There have been 5 World Series played without the Yankees!  What the heck?!?  How did this happen?  The Yankees must not be spending enough money!  No... no that's not it.  Whatever the answer is, it must be wonderful to be back after such a long time.  And the last time they were there, they lost to the MARLINS (I know what that feels like - Bartman!).  I'm just glad that all those 5 year old Yankee fans will FINALLY get to see a World Series now!

If you can't sense the obvious sarcasm so far, you're probably also one of the 5 people who was surprised when Lance Bass came out of the closet (the other 4 being all the members of *NSYNC except J.C. Chasez - he knew...  didn't you, J.C.?).  Anyways, I'd like to recap the monumental (or not so monumental) things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series.  Please see the list below.

  • First, let's get a feel for what the social atmosphere was like back in 1908.  From, we get this quote, "At the turn of the century, three quarters of the states forbade married women to have property in their own name. In these states a woman's property became her husband's upon marriage. In a third of the states, a woman's earnings belonged to her husband. And in all states except Wyoming, Utah, Colorado and Idaho, women were not allowed to vote...  Women active in the suffrage movement were described as neurotic, as suffering from an urge to imitate men, as hysterical or as homosexuals. It was argued that with their big sleeves, women would be able to hide numerous ballots and vote more than once."  I personally find those last two sentences hysterical.
  • In 1912 The Titanic made its maiden voyage.  Since then, approximately 25 movies have been made about this utter failure, and thankfully only Rookie of the Year has been made about the Cubs utter failures.  Supposedly all we need is a medical phenom kid and one of the bad guys from Home Alone and we'll go all the way.  Somebody call Jim Hendry, quick!
  • Since 1908, almost every single type of music has been created except classical and this type right here.  Think about that - EVERY GENRE of music has been created.  I mean, Rachmaninoff was contemporary, hit music in 1908, for goodness sakes.  The number one song when the Yankees last won the World Series... "Come on Over, Baby".
  • Since 1908, almost every single electronic device has been invented.  Only 8% of American homes even had electricity in 1908.  MA!  MA, DON'T FORGET TO TiVO THE CUBS WORLD SERIES GAME!  MA?!  MEATLOAF!  NOW!
  • Since 1908, almost every single style has changed - especially this one here and this one here.  Watch out for those ladies and their big sleeves!  They'll vote more than once!  (for reference, here was the style in 2000 - why, jnco? why?!)
  • Approximately 500 people from 38 countries have been into outer space since 1908, including Harland Williams who went to Mars in one of "the funniest movies I've only seen once."  I remember thinking that this movie was hilarious when I was younger, and I haven't seen it since.  I have no idea if I would still think it is funny... maybe I should buy the Collector's Edition on Amazon!  Harland Williams autograph inside - NO WAY!
  • 253 episodes of Scooby Doo have been written, drawn, cast, recorded, and broadcast since the Cubs last won a World Series - all 253 of them WITH THE SAME PLOT (it was the Janitor?!).  Along those lines...
  • Americans have gotten a lot stupider - as evidenced by this video.  Go to the last 2 minutes of the video and watch the segment with the African-American family...  The rest of it is pretty good too.
  • Since 1908 there have been 3 World Wars...  wait.  Wait, what?!  Hang on, I'm just getting word that the Cold War never turned into anything.  Thank you, James Bond.
  • Onto more recent news - since 1908, OJ Simpson "hasn't killed anyone" but has been successful in tarnishing his own reputation and the prestige that was once associated with White Ford Broncos (RIP).
  • In the big picture - since 1908, the moon has moved approximately 4 meters further away from the earth.  I'm not even kidding - the earth is slowly transferring energy to the moon, and it gets further away...
  • And finally, the greatest thing to happen to the world since the Cubs last won a World Series...  Al Gore invented the internet.  If you don't know what the world wide web is, please read the first sentence here.  That's just to clear up any confusion.
I'm glad the Yankees are back in the World Series.  Not because of their history or the fact that it's "good for the game," but just because I couldn't bear the thought of true fans like Jay-Z or 6 year old Johnny  all distraught for another year.

If anyone else has a couple good observations, feel free to comment...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Party in the U.S.A.

For all of you expecting another post about Kanye West, I apologize.  Unfortunately, that event happened too long ago and is no longer relevant to this blog.  The internet generation has a very small capacity for storage of information (hence the reason that Twitter posts are limited to 140 characters...  OH NO!  A PARAGRAPH!  WHAT NOW?!!!  I quit...).  So I've decided to keep it as current as possible so as not to strain your brains.  Then maybe I'll return to the Kanye topic and just skip to number one on the countdown.

Right now, the #3 song in the iTunes Top Ten is the Miley Cyrus song "Party in the U.S.A."  (If you haven't heard this song, you're either way too Indie/Scene, not American, or you're deaf.  Whatever the cause, please follow this link for the official music video - Party in the USA)  I've had this song stuck in my head all day due to its catchy-ness and general audio availability and thought it would be a good idea to analyze it - hopefully that will get it out of my cranial region.  Please find my analysis below.

Party in the U.S.A.
by Miley Cyrus 

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan.
Welcome to the land of fame, excess. Whoa, am I gonna fit in?
My question is, what kind of cardigan are we talking about here, Miley?

 Are we talking this kind of cardigan?
Because that could make a big difference whether or not you fit in while in Los Angeles.

Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time.
Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign.
These lines are straight up lies.
There's no way this is Miley Cyrus' first time in LA.
And the Hollywood sign is 15 miles from LAX.
This makes me question the validity of the rest of the song...

This is all so crazy.  Everybody seems so famous.
My tummy's turnin', and I'm feelin' kinda homesick.
Too much pressure, and I'm nervous.
Miley is from Nashville.  It's not like she's never seen famous people before.
I can understand why she's nervous, though.
She's alone, in Los Angeles, and Kobe Bryant has a history...
(too soon?)
On a side note, "My tummy's turnin'" is a great phrase.

That's when the taxi-man (also known as a cab driver) turned on the radio,
And the Jay-Z song was on (3X)
  First of all, this must be one HIP "taxi-man!"
The last couple times I've been in cabs, the music sounded more like this: Taxi Music 

So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song.
The butterflies fly away.
Is this still in the cab?  Might be a little distracting to the "taxi-man."
These butterflies are not to be confused with Fireflies.
That's a different song.

I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Take that and rewind it back.
Miley's got the nod to make your booty go... (clap!)

 Got my hands up, they're (still) playin' my song.
I know I'm gonna be okay.

Yeah, it's a party in the U.S.A.
Yeah, it's a party in the U.S.A.

Miley Cyrus + Los Angeles + a taxi = nervous and homesick
Miley Cyrus + Los Angeles + a taxi + her song = Party in the U.S.A.
Very simple math.

 So hard with my girls not around me.
It's definitely not a Nashville party.
Wouldn't a "Nashville party" also be a Party in the U.S.A.?
I'm confused.

This song should probably be called "Party in L.A."
Wouldn't go with the beat though... try it.

'Cause all I see are stilettos.
I guess I never got the memo.
Memo to Miley: all the girls who party in L.A. look like skanks.
That cardigan won't fly...

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick.
Too much pressure and I'm nervous.
That's when the DJ dropped my favorite tune,
And the Britney song was on (3X)
What would happen if Jay-Z and Britney did a song together?
I don't think Miley could handle it.
It would be an Extravaganza in the U.S.A.

Feel like hoppin' on a flight, on a flight.
Back to my hometown tonight, town tonight.
 Well, Southwest has the Wanna Get Away deal for $169 from LAX to Nashville.

Book it, Miley!  Book it now!

 Somethin' stops me every time, every time.
The DJ plays my song, and I feel alright.
Good think that DJ is always ON TOP OF THINGS.
Him and the taxi-man have done a great job of keeping Miley in L.A.
Otherwise she'd be back in Nashville, where (apparently) you can't have a "Party in the U.S.A."

Things I got from this song: (1) Miley Cyrus is very nervous when not in her hometown.  Maybe Hannah Montana is a little more open to the rest of the world. (2) Cab drivers are called taxi-men in Nashville, and like popular music in LA. (3) Girls in L.A. wear stilettos and don't send out memos.

Everyone feel free to have your own Party in the U.S.A.!  One of the great things about freedom - PARTIES!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hit Him Right in the Kiss, Kiss(er)

Please let me know what you think is going through
Sir Paul McCartney's head right now?
(I believe it's "I weep for your generation")

[Kanye's Hit List]

Sorry about the absence from the blogging scene.  I was in Champaign over the weekend watching Illinois "our-punter-is-our-MVP" Football and enjoying homecoming festivities.  On to the current post, which is #8 on the "Kanye Hit List" - the people I would most like to see Kanye West interrupt during a public speech.

8) Chris Brown - We all know what happened to Rihanna when she spoke out of turn...  But seriously, there are plenty of African-American males that I would like to have back me up in a fight.  Kanye West and Chris Brown are not two of them.  Imagine if these two got into a fight after Kanye interrupted CB - Kanye West would probably hire someone to fight for him so that he didn't scuff his new kicks or rip his pink polo.  Chris Brown probably doesn't have the guts to fight whoever Kanye would hire since he only hits girls.  I'd love to see that...

Just so that this entire post isn't about Kanye West, I thought I'd give a little recap of the Blackhawks game last night.  Down 5-0 after 12 minutes (due partially to terrible defense, partially to a terribly overpaid goalie) the Blackhawks tied the largest comeback in NHL history and won 6-5 in overtime.  If you're not following Chicago hockey yet, maybe you should look into it.  I've converted.  In fact, since I'm hopefully going to the game this weekend, if anyone wanted to donate some Blackhawks fan gear to your favorite blogger, let me know...  Anyone?  Didn't think so.  Next thing on my checklist - start following Chicago soccer.  Nahhhhh...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Wake Up, Mr. West!

Not even that pink Power Rangers laser gun could
save you from this list, Kanye West!

[Kanye's Hit List]
Before I get started here, I just wanted to say that I feel a little bit like David Letterman with these "Top Ten Lists."  So... I'm going to do a TOP NINE LIST!  Yeah!  No ones ever done one of those before!  And not only that - I'm going to do one entry per night for the next 9 nights! As previously mentioned, this is a list of the top 9 people that I would like to see Kanye West interrupt while giving some type of public speech.

Kicking it off, we have...

9) Martin Luther King, Jr. - just because this would go against anything and everything that would make any sense.
"I have a dream." says Martin Luther King.  "A dream that one day this nation..." (microphone stolen)
"Yo, Martin.  Look, I'm really happy for you.  I'm going to let you finish.  But that's just a dream!  They're always going to give the white, country-singer girl the award over the black girl."

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to the the two newest official "followers" of World Wide Wilson - Tim Dwyer and Andy "Rice" Krispin.  I don't want to say much more, though, because Kanye West might steal my spotlight.  Tomorrow night - #8 and a new ridiculous picture of Kanye West.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

(Insert Name Here) > (Obama + Oprah + Daley)

Coach Ditka vs. The Hurricane, who would win?
Hold on.  The name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka!

These 10 people would have had a more positive effect on the Chicago Olympic bid (R.I.P.) than the group that we sent over there.  Who is Oprah?  Sounds more like another name for a killer whale to me...

10) Anyone and everyone from Fall Out Boy: I mean, think about it.  All these athletes are young.  They can probably sing Fall Out Boy songs by memory.  No one can quote an Oprah show by memory.  Fall Out Boy even sings a song about Chicago.  It's called "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago," but they could have changed the name of it to "Chicago Is So Nine Years from Now." (FOB) > (O+O+D)

9) Ron Santo: But this means that we would have to sent Pat Hughes too, because Ron just echoes everything Pat says.  "You're exactly right, Pat."  If he can't get into the Hall of Fame after a great career and losing two legs to diabetes, the least we could do is use the charm that keeps him on WGN Radio to get the Olympics. (RS) > (O+O+D)

8) Prince Peter of Yugoslavia: Yeah, you guessed it.  The Prince of Yugoslavia was born in Chicago.  It would have been great if he was there, adding some international flavor to the scene.  The IOC would have LOVED it.  Yugoslavia is never going to get the games, Peter, so you might as well help us out. (PPY) > (O+O+D)

7) Michael Jordan: The whole point of the Olympics, supposedly, was to help make Chicago a more globally recognized city.  Ummm... I think Michael Jordan already did that back in the 90s.  Who is more of an icon than Michael Jordan?  He's this far down on the list, though, because I could possibly see this coming out of his mouth - "Since I'm the greatest man alive, and I've beaten every other nation in basketball single-handedly, I thought it would be good to invite you all to Chicago so I can remind you, while you're there, that I'm better than you.  I'm STILL better than all of you." (MJ) > (O+O+D)

6) Kanye West: We could have waited till they announced that Rio won, and then sent Kanye up...  "Hold up, man.  I'll let you finish, but I just have to say that CHICAGO IS THE BEST CITY IN THE WORRRLLDDD!  Ya'll don't understand, man.  We got a bunch of sports, and I used to live there, and ummm...  Man, I'm really drunk." (KW) > (O+O+D), kind of.

5) Harrison Ford:  This isn't even a competition.  Harrison Ford did more as President in the movie Air Force One than Obama has during his actual Presidency.  And Harrison Ford defeated the Nazis, the Empire, and Irish terrorists.  (HF) > (O+O+D)

4) Bill Murray: Classic Chicago.  I would have said Jon Belushi or Chris Farley, but they both OD'ed on drugs.  Lesson here - if you're really funny, and you're from Chicago, stay the "H" away from drugs.  Bill Murray did it, and he's still really funny, so he should have gone to Copenhagen. (BM) > (O+O+D)

3) Michael Phelps: Okay, okay, I know he's not from Chicago.  But that's how bad I wouldn't have wanted Oprah there.  NO ONE OVERSEAS EVEN WATCHES OPRAH!  That's like sending a soccer player to America and hoping, just hoping, someone here has seen him on SportsCenter. (MP) > (O+O+D)

2) Steve Bartman: PITY US!  PLEASE! (SB) > (O+O+D)

1) Mike Ditka (with classic BEARS sweater vest, as seen above) :
Me, "Let's say the odds are 2782:1 for the Olympics in Chicago.  Who are you betting on?"
Bill Swerski, "Is Ditka going ta be dere?"
Me, "Well, based on this list it looks like it."
Bill Swerski, "I'll put $10,000 on Chicago.  Da Bears!"
(MD) > (O+O+D)

Next list tomorrow night - the top 10 people that I would love to see Kanye West interrupt during a public speech.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Let Friendship Shine?

wahh wahhhhh...

I've had a couple lists on my mind.  And with a little bit of time on my hands, I thought that I should write them down before I forgot them.

The first one is going to be a list of 10 international and national cities that Chicago could have beaten for the Olympics.  I thought that we would have at least beat Tokyo, but I guess that the Obama family doesn't have the sway over the international crowd that they do over the mindless masses of America.  Maybe that's because they don't just get sucked in by a "catchy" phrase, which this time was "Let Friendship Shine" (kind of a lame-town phrase if you ask me, although the logo was pretty tight).  Maybe we should have just stuck with "Yes We Can"?

10) New York - the one city in America that might be a little more corrupt than Chicago.  Could you imagine an Olympic village in the streets of Brooklyn?  Chicago is better than New York in all aspects anyways.

9) Manila, Philippines - the second highest population density in the world.  There's approximately 112,000 people per square mile... PER SQUARE MILE.  They couldn't fit anyone else in there.

8) London, England - they have the games in 2012.  No way they would have beat us for 2016.  Unless David Beckham was there with Ringo Starr...

7) Saigon, Vietnam - something tells me that the IOC would prefer the Olympics in Chicago.

6) Any City in India - did you see Slumdog Millionaire?!

5) Atlanta, GA - my question is, "How did Atlanta win the 1996 Olympics?!"  They beat out Athens on the 100 year anniversary!  Impossible.  I'm thinking that the Dirty Dirty might have beat out Chicago, but I'm putting it on this list anyways.

4) Mogadishu, Somalia - "estimates of the city's current population vary greatly, with figures ranging from 1.5 million to 3 million, as many of its former inhabitants have fled."  Well this isn't really a joking matter, but if anywhere in Somalia would have beaten Chicago, I might have yelled out, "You Lie!"

3) Baghdad, Iraq - we're pulling some of the best Americans out of Iraq; we couldn't send any back in!

2) Pyongyang, North Korea - I could just see it now... Kim Jong-il forcing the Olympic torch to be fashioned like a large nuclear missile.  NO WAIT!  DON'T LIGHT THAT!  IT IS A NUCLEAR MISSILE!

1) Decatur, IL - the "armpit of America."  I would like to see the Decatur Olympic plan, though.

Tomorrow night... the 10 Chicago figures that might have helped our chances more than Oprah.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Couple Things On Awkard

Nick Cannon will see you out there.  Half time is game time.

I've introduced this list of conversation boosters to a bunch of people, so I thought I should just document them on here.  I use them on a daily basis - you should too.

1. At a certain point during a conversation (left up to you to choose) just tell the other person to "shut up".  This is not the valley girl style of shut up, but more of a direct "SHUT. UP."  I would have to say this is most effective right after the other person greets you or asks you what's up...  (possibly followed up by a "no seriously, you need to shut up.")

2. Use the phrase "no pun intended" after sentences without puns in them.  This always throws the other person off and you immediately gain control of the conversation.
You: "Man, that lunch was delicious... no pun intended."
Other person: "Ummm, what?"
You: "SHUT. UP."

3. Any time anyone is talking about any movies, especially asking you about movies or talking about newly released movies, always bring up the movie "Drumline."  Partially because almost EVERYONE has seen this movie, partially because they obviously aren't talking about Drumline, and partially because everyone will always follow your opinion about Drumline - if you say you thought it was good, everyone else will agree, more or less; if you say it sucked, everyone will agree that it was terrible.  You immediately control the movie conversation.
That Guy: "Hey, so you guys know of any good movies out?"
You: "What about Drumline?"
That Guy: "Isn't that from like 2001?"
You: "Well, I don't know about that, but it was awesome!"
That Guy: "Yeah, that movie was sweet.  Nick Cannon, right?"

4. When you are leaving a group of people or saying goodbye to anyone in general, always say "See you tomorrow!"  This also works in text messages, instant messages, and especially at places like the doctor's office or the barber.  People never know why they will see you tomorrow, but THEY WILL BE WATCHING FOR YOU!  You can mix it up with "See you tonight!" or "See you in a couple hours!"  Try it sometime - it's pretty fun.  Just ask Brad Herschler...
You: "So it was nice meeting you."
Random Girl: "Yeah, maybe we'll run into each other at Walmart again sometime, haha."
You: "Yeah, maybe.  (walking away) See you tomorrow!"
Random Girl: "Ummmm..." (calls police)

These things are very fun and always add a little bit extra to any conversation.  Feel free to come up with your own.  Just never let the conversation get boring...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Elvis Presley + Ben Gibbard = Jay Cutler

So I decided to update the name of this blog to World Wide Wilson.  I think that's a better summary of what I'm trying to accomplish here.  On to my new post...

It looks like I'm going to finish 3rd in the only Fantasy Baseball league that I ended up caring about.  I do this every year - join 3 or 4 fantasy baseball leagues and then forget about all but one of them.  I was in first for a good portion of the first half of the season, but ended up giving it up to a guy who somehow has an All-Star team.  I'm now in two different Fantasy Football leagues - one on ESPN and one on Yahoo.  I feel like my ESPN team is better, but who knows, maybe I'll accidentally forget about it.

Some thoughts from the Bears game (I was going to do a quarter by quarter analysis, but I was at my grandparents' house where there is no world wide web for world wide wilson):
  • It's a good thing in my mind that even when the Bears were down 13-0, having problems moving the ball and scoring points, and seemingly affected by the Seattle crowd - I never really doubted that they were going to win.  Why?  Because I could tell that they had a good game plan.  This is where this game differed completely from the Illinois game yesterday (see "no game plan" below).  Maybe the Fighting Illini could hire one of the Bears coordinators as head coach?
  • One thing I like: when no-name guys step up and make plays.  The Bears had this last week with Johnny Knox, and they had it again this week with most of their defense.  If you told me last year that we would have Nick Roach, Jamar Williams, Zack Bowman, Al Afalava, and Hunter Hillenmeyer playing significant time, I would have probably started silently weeping on the spot.  Today, these guys combined for 23 tackles (21 solo), 4 passes defended, and 2 QB hits.  Moneybags.
  • One thing I don't like: the facemask call.  I know, I know - it's necessary.  You don't want players to start using the opponent's facemask as their personal steering wheel, but when Seattle gains 30 yards in one drive on two good defensive plays, it just makes me a little cheesed off, as the British would say (not that they have anything to say about football).
  • This game felt more like the Chicago Bears against the Seattle Highlighters...
  • Why do you put Garrett Wolfe in the game when we're down by a point in the fourth quarter?  We put him in for 3 rushes, he gains 8 yards and we punt.  Really?
  • The Seahawks would have won the game if their defensive backs hadn't run into each other on the last two plays the Bears ran.  Maybe they could work on that in practice?  Run straight at each other really fast and then miss.  If they do that drill this past week, they win the game - guaranteed.
Next post, I'll summarize the Cubs season and my thoughts on other Cubs things.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Third Time's the Charm

As promised, a third blog entry.

The Owl City concert on Friday night was about what I expected, except for the live cello and violin players.  I missed the opening act because I was too busy eating two Chicago-style hotdogs at Wrigleyville Dog and selling my extra ticket to a middle-aged Asian man.  I bet he enjoyed the show.  I think it was the same guy that I sold a ticket to last time I went to a show at the Metro - real strange.  Anyways, Owl City played all the songs I was hoping for, and sounded pretty good.  The mix of live strings and synth was pretty cool, but unfortunately, the lead singer didn't really interact with the crowd... ever.  He's still a newer performer, and he'll learn his stuff.  I'd give the concert a 6.5/10.  The extra 0.5 was because I was with some pretty fun people, and we had a good time afterwards.


I was planning on talking about the Illinois football game here too, but I don't really have much to comment on.  I can summarize it like this - Penn State scored more points in the first 11 seconds of their game today than Illinois did all game.  As it turns out, we both lost in a crazy day of college football, but that's besides the point.  I've never seen a team that has looked more confused or unprepared for a game than Illinois has looked in their two primetime games this year (except maybe the first game of the 2003 Bears season when Kordell Stewart made his debut as QB - THEY TRIED RUNNING THE OPTION... IN THE NFL).  In those two games, we've been outscored 67-9.  It comes down to coaching - no game plan.  What game film were they watching?  I can just see the scene: Ron Zook, Juice Williams, Arrelious Benn bring in a couple of the new guys and some of the coordinators to watch game film.  Instead, they pop in the highlight tape from the OSU game two years ago and all ooooh and aaahh as Juice pushes forward for the 4th down conversion.  Then the players leave and all go to FuBar.  You can hear Ron Zook in the background as they all walk away, "Now don't you guys get home too late.  We have to work on looking good tomorrow."  Garbage.  Ohio State didn't have one passing yard in the first half, NOT EVEN ONE!  And they were still up 13.  Time to revamp the coaching staff - I'm not usually one to blame the coaches, but when a team under-performs this badly, something's gotta give.

Tomorrow I might post after each quarter of the Bears game with my thoughts.  Here's my NFL picks for the week:
  • @Detroit over Washington (yes, the Lions will finally win!  maybe)
  • Green Bay over @St. Louis (the Rams just suck)
  • @Minnesota over SF (Mike Singletary tackles Brett Favre on the sideline and draws a 15 yard penalty)
  • Atlanta over @New England (big road win for Matt Ryan - ATL is a favorite to go all the way)
  • @NY Jets over Tennessee (Tennessee still can't shake the fact that they lost that Super Bowl by a YARD)
  • @Philadelphia over KC (I just want to see if there are any dog signs in the stands)
  • NY Giants over @Tampa Bay (Eli throws for 4TDs and 320 yards, only because he's on my fantasy team)
  • @Baltimore over Cleveland (Joe Flacco is ugly, but he can toss the ball)
  • @Houston over Jacksonville (Grossman is Houston's backup!  They must have a good starter)
  • New Orleans over Buffalo (possible score of 52-45)
  • Chicago over @Seattle (I wish I was at this game - I've always wanted to go to Seattle)
  • @San Diego over Miami (Miami is going to know what Tila Tequila felt like)
  • Pittsburgh over @Cincinnati (unless they let Chad Ochocinco kick field goals)
  • @Oakland over Denver (can we see Jamarcus Russell fight Kyle Orton?  Please?)
  • @Arizona over Indianapolis (the Colts won't know what to do with all the extra ball possession)
  • @Dallas over Carolina (To-ny Ro-mo, clap clap, clap clap clap...  sorry)

A final word on music - if you're looking for some good, Christian chill music, check out Shane & Shane's [Upstairs] CD.  Solid.  I've had that on all day as I washed my car, picked up dog crap in my back yard, mowed the lawn, and rearranged my room.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Day Two

"As we left the restaurant and stood on the curb waiting for the driver ... [Bradley] said, 'I know it's going to take some time and you have some work to do, but I want to be a Chicago Cub if you want me,'" Hendry said.

"I knew when I left that restaurant that night that he was our guy."

A couple things on my mind today:
  •  Milton Bradley has to be one of the players that I've hated the most in a Cubs uniform.  I knew this was going to be the case ever since we signed him.  It didn't help that he had Sammy Sosa's old number and position - maybe Milton should have corked his bat too.  The most surprising thing to me in the Bradley saga wasn't his inability to connect with teammates, his underachieving nature, or his eventual use of the "race/hatred" card to explain things.  It was that he finally explained things and apologized... THRU HIS MOM.
  • Some new albums I've been taking into consideration: Taking Back Sunday's New Again album is a decent listen.  Copeland [You Are My Sunshine], Owl City [Ocean Eyes], Ludo [You're Awful, I Love You], and finally Brand New's [Daisy] have been my listens of choice recently.
  • I spend seven hours of my week in the car just driving to work.
  • This is going to be a much better outlet for my thoughts than Twitter or Facebook because I can write whatever I want.  No one else is watching...
  • I will include a review of the Owl City concert and my thoughts about the Illinois football game on Saturday night... until next time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Kicking It Off

I just wanted to start this blog off with a list of things that may be covered in here at some point:
- men's fragrances
- planning an effective baby shower
- shoe styles in Europe
- new shows premiering on Oxygen this fall
- how to use contrasting colors to accent a room
- T.U.L.I.P and Calvinism in general
- the correct usage of the reflexive personal pronoun
- why it's so cool to sketch things
- viewpoints on postmodernism
- picking out the best card at Walgreens
- the ins and outs of electrical connectors
- and finally... what women want.

Please stay tuned if you are interested in any of the previous things.